I had some good years in elementary and high school, but there were 3 years during that time from which I am still healing from the harassment: Kindergarten, grade 5, and grade 8.
During those years, I shrunk into a frozen ball as the world around me acted so foreign and hostile that it weighted on my soul. I can’t talk about this without mentioning that I was a white kid from a privileged area, and these were 3 years of my life. I always wonder if this is what it feels for Black and Indigenous folks, people of colour, and those who are LQBTQ2S+ all the time, as they live in a world here in North America that continually excludes them.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep because I could feel that frozen ball still inside of me. That happens sometimes. It’s like a signal to me that I have been ignoring it, and not doing my work.
Bullying awareness wasn’t a thing back in the 80s like it is now. If you are a parent, you can be sure that the harassment you experienced (or gave) would not fly in today’s school. But it still exists, and as parents we can support our children so that the emotional pain from it does not turn into a frozen ball that prevents them from sleeping when they are 40. Here are some things I wish I knew:
Standard bullying education:
1) Reacting aggressively or passively, by running away crying, ignoring, yelling or giving attitude back gives the person who is bullying power.
2) If you are fun to bully, which means you continually give the person a reaction, then they will want to keep bullying you.
3) Responding assertively helps, not only reduce their power, but also increases your own feeling of internal power, which prevents the frozen ball later.
4) Responding assertively doesn’t always work. Prejudice comes into play here, because if there is a large power dynamic, the person who is bullying will just keep bullying.
5) Regardless, learning to be assertive is important because it is a skill you will use in relationships for the rest of your life. Try it 3 times with the person, and if it continually doesn’t work, then come to your parents to get help.
6) When the system needs to change, go to the higher powers that be: parents, teachers, principals, leaders, and politicians. It is ok to use your anger to spark change. It is ok to seek help from your community. Remember, if you are being bullied, it is not about you. It is the perpetrator who is feeling ‘less than’ and needs to bully others to gain power.
The deep stuff:
7) While all of the above happens, you will be feeling deep emotional pain. Feeling excluded, rejected, and disrespected on a regular basis is a form of trauma.
8) To help feel the pain, you will need a ‘go-to’ person to be there for you while you feel your emotions. Options for a ‘go-to’ person: a counselor, a life coach, a parent, a trusted adult, or a very close friend.
9) If you cannot afford or do not have a ‘go-to’ person, then through meditation and mindfulness you can learn to be a ‘go-to’ person to yourself.
10) In The Girl and The Sun children’s book there are 3 metaphors: the sun, cloud and rainbow. Follow these metaphors as a way to support yourself:
o Cloud: Question your negative, stressful thoughts. They are not true at all. Instead, your cloud collected them from others who were fearful and wanting you to conform.
o Sun: Get connected to your heart. The sun in your heart is like a parent that is always there for you, loving you and guiding you throughout the day. It is a million times more powerful than your cloud. And it knows what you need.
o Rainbow: Feel your emotions. And let them teach you what you truly value. Your values make up who you are. When you know who you are, then you can feel solid in the decisions you make for yourself. You can feel deep satisfaction as you express your true self and paint the world with your rainbow.
The sun, cloud, and rainbow metaphors that make up the story in my children’s book The Girl and the Sun were molded piece by piece from my own pain and subsequent drive to overcome it. I use these metaphors every day to parent myself and my children. They are not my own ideas. They come from many teachers along the way: Anita Johnston, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Jeff Foster, Tara Brach, Marianne Williamson, and many counselors and colleagues who guided me along my journey. Through The Girl and The Sun I can now share them with the world. Please visit www.ashleyandthesun.com/free-handouts-parents-and-teachers for free handouts and www.ashleyandthesun.com for a thorough explanation of the sun, cloud and rainbow metaphors.