The Profound Lesson from 2020
I have been hearing from a lot of parents lately that, after months of yearning for their kids to go back to school, they find themselves coming home after drop off to an empty house and a lot of time. They have work to do, but are feeling scattered or unmotivated to do it.
When they share their experiences with me, I can’t help but to smile. I thought it was just me. But after several of the same conversations, I am seeing this idle state to be more of a collective pandemic experience.
It seems that after months of longing for the space to get things done, we seem to have lost our drive. In other years, to put ourselves out of such a funk, we would start planning fun events to put in our calendar.
This year, however, Covid-19 prevents us from reaching outward to distract ourselves from mundanity. And this is the profound lesson from 2020. With nothing to reach for, we must start to look within. With few external events to pull us out of the present, we must learn how to build a relationship with our self here and now.
Building a Relationship with Yourself
Building a relationship with yourself may be a new concept. But loving and caring for others is something in which you are highly experienced. Imagine who you are for your children and/or pets, and practice the same on yourself. This is called self-love, or being a parent to yourself.
How to Build a Relationship with Yourself:
1) Speak to yourself as you would speak to your own child or pet. Self-love means having a continuous dialogue with yourself to ensure you are emotionally, mentally, and physically supported. Do you need a snack? A rest? A hug? A chat about something that is bugging you? A break to play? All of these supportive questions, you can ask many times throughout the day in order to gradually build a relationship with yourself.
2) Love yourself like you love your children. Always. Even when you don’t feel like it. Yes, you are annoying sometimes. You act one way when you want to be acting another. You complain when you want to be grateful. You are irritated when you want to be patient. You are human, just like your child or loved one is human. And does your love for them wax and wane depending on their behaviour? No. Love is consistent and present, and it is always there in the background while you work hard to be there for them, even when it is difficult to do so. This is the love you need to give to yourself.
3) Help yourself make smart decisions. There is a voice in your head that is in charge of your stressful, judging thoughts. In my children’s book, The Girl and The Sun, I call it the cloud that floats above your head. Your cloud likes to make decisions based on fear. And it can be very loud at times. But you also have a sun that lives inside your heart, and it helps you make decisions based on love. Building a relationship with yourself means you can self-regulate: you can recognize the part of you that wants to act from fear, and the other part that wants to act from love, and you do your best to choose love as much as you can.
4) Hold yourself through all of your emotions. If you ever surprise yourself by how much you feel like reacting to something, even if it is logically not a big deal, then this is usually a sign that there is an old emotion that is being triggered. Building a relationship with yourself means being a mother to yourself by taking the time to be curious about your emotions. Just as you would with your child, mothering yourself means giving yourself space to let your feelings arise and be felt. It means meeting them with love and patience by letting yourself cry when you need to cry, rage when you need to rage, and celebrate when you need to celebrate.
5) Be your own go-to person, and your own little buddy. You are the person that you spend most of your time with, so feel free to enjoy the aspects of you that are fun to be with. Tell yourself jokes. Giggle when you come across something funny. Laugh at yourself when you act clumsy. Building a relationship with yourself means talking to yourself as you would to a good friend.
Just as parenting your kids may be the most difficult job you had ever imagined, parenting yourself will challenge you to your core. But, as you know, the rewards are indescribable when you feel the love and connection with your child. The rewards are equally as powerful when you start to feel the love and connection with yourself.
Yes, you make mistakes. And act in ways you wish you didn’t sometimes. But self-love means that your love is always there. Always. And it allows you to be a messy, beautiful human.
The sun, cloud, and rainbow metaphors that make up the story in my children’s book The Girl and the Sun were molded piece by piece from my own pain and subsequent drive to overcome it. I use these metaphors every day to parent myself and my children. They are not my own ideas. They come from many teachers along the way: Anita Johnston, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Jeff Foster, Tara Brach, Marianne Williamson, and many counselors and colleagues who guided me along my journey. Through The Girl and The Sun I can now share them with the world. Please visit www.ashleyandthesun.com/free-handouts-parents-and-teachers for free handouts and www.ashleyandthesun.com for a thorough explanation of the sun, cloud and rainbow metaphors.