Self-love means staying with our self as we feel the inevitable moment-to-moment waves of emotion that flow through our experience of life. It means recognizing the mind’s desire to avoid feeling by distracting us with stressful thinking, and using strength to take our attention off of our thoughts and bring it to the body where our emotions reside. Self-love means that we allow all emotion, without judgement and without needing to know exactly why we are feeling a certain way.
Even though it may seem that nothing profound is happening, just life passing us by can be profound. Our soul may be processing the sadness of aging, or the loneliness of being human. A wave of grief or loneliness may appear, and we have a choice; we can question why on earth we would be feeling that way on a sunny Friday, or we can approach the feeling with curiosity and uncover the truth that lies beneath. Emotions don’t harm us, but running from them does. When we avoid our truth, we become disconnected from our self. It is that disconnection that hurts. It is that disconnection that transforms sadness into depression, fear into anxiety, a glass of wine into a bottle, a snack into a binge, and a disagreement into a fight.
When a feeling emerges, our mind has the tendency to immediately judge it. Lonely? It’s because you have isolated yourself too much. You haven’t tried hard enough. Or you try too hard. You talk too much about yourself and people are turned off by it. Sad? It’s because you don’t practice gratitude enough. You take things for granted and don’t appreciate what you have. Or you are depressed and will always be depressed.
There is a moment before the mind begins its judging that is precious. It is a moment of pure emotion. Babies experience feelings like this all the time. If they are sad, they cry. They don’t stop themselves from crying for fear of appearing weak or strange. They just cry. If they are angry, they scream or throw something. They don’t reprimand themselves, and say that they shouldn’t feel that way, rather they release it. And in the release, they communicate their needs to their loved ones. If they are tired, they just lay down and rest. They don’t accuse themselves of being lazy and unmotivated. They are tired so they rest.
Emotions are our way of responding to the life unfolding in front of us. They teach us, and help us process the inevitable change that happens continuously each day of our life. Feeling lonely does not mean that you do not have enough friends, are failing at your social life, or that your future self will be living alone with 30 cats. Sheryl Paul, in her beautiful book The Wisdom of Anxiety, says that loneliness is innately built into the experience of life, because no one can actually inhabit your body and mind and know exactly how it feels to be you. This is a profound statement, as it means that, ultimately, we are the one who can support and empower our self. The more we stay connected to our truth, then the more we are connected to our self. That connection feels good. It feels like home. So, when the inevitable loneliness of life appears, it is not as painful because we maintain a solid feeling of companionship with our self while we allow the emotion to flow through us.
Also unavoidable in life, is the passage of time. Waves of grief emerge as we notice our faces aging in the mirror, young moms taking our place at the playground with toddlers in hand and babies cozy in their carriers, and our children’s baby cheeks replaced by maturity. It is sad to say goodbye to each stage of life. Every time we enter a new phase, the one we are leaving behind passes away, therefore, we need to take the time to grieve our loss. We need to give our self the space and time to say goodbye. Rituals can be helpful to give our grief palpability: spend time in silence feeling grief, write about it in a journal, light a candle, dive into a cold ocean, hike a trail you have always wanted to explore, or write down the details of which you are letting go on wood pieces and float them down a river. Whatever you do, just know that you are honouring what is leaving to make room for what is arriving.
Self-love doesn’t mean we will always feel like staying. There will be times when feelings seem like too much, or times when we don’t feel strong enough to feel anything. We will want to run, distract, escape, or ignore, and we will. And that is part of the journey. It is in the running away and then returning home where the learning lies. And it is in the returning home that we develop the muscle that brings us back again and again. In the beginning, we may escape for a long time. But that time shortens as our return muscle strengthens. Over time, it may only be a minute of running until we decide we would rather be home. Home is where we feel the deepest connection with our self. Home is where our human messiness is allowed to be. Home is, in fact, where we had been trying to run all along.
Learn how to inspire kids to stay with their hearts and truth through Ashley’s book The Girl and The Sun
Find a free printable worksheet that helps adults teach kids how feel their emotions: Emotion Worksheet