In order to be a loving parent to your child, you need to be a loving parent to yourself. What does it mean to be a loving parent to yourself? It means being there for yourself even when you don’t feel like it. It means being your “go-to” person. It means checking in with yourself continuously:
“Hon, how are you?” “Are you hungry at all?” “Do you need some rest?” “It seems like you need some outside time. Want to get out?” “You seem sad. What’s going on?” “Can I help you?” “Do you need a hug?” “Wow, those were strong feelings you expressed there. What’s going on for you right now?”
All these words we say to our children as their ever-present caregiver. This is who you need to be to yourself.
There are times when our children push our buttons and we feel the rage bubbling up like fire. Sometimes, there is something inside of us that helps us breathe through the rage so we can respond. Other times the anger is too much and we react in a way that has us cringing with guilt when it is all over. What is it that has us reacting in one moment and responding in another?
We all know how to parent. It’s not about reading more books to get tips on what to do. What we need is more support for ourselves so that, in these moments, we are not pent up with stress, frustration, and anxiety that causes us to react instead of respond.
When you are a nurturing parent to yourself, then your feelings are attended to on a continuous basis. You are cared for. You are heard. You feel some calm because you are regularly releasing the energy of bottled-up emotions.
Then when your children push your buttons and you feel the rage, the loving parent in your heart can speak to you and say “Hon, I know this is beyond frustrating. These children are designed to challenge you in the exact way that you need to learn and grow, so breathe with me. I am here for you. Breathe. I will give you strength.
Then, from your heart, tell your children honestly that you are feeling very angry. Crouch down to their level. Look at them eye-to-eye. Speak to them as you would speak to a friend. Through your honesty, they will learn emotional health, assertiveness and the ability to be a parent to themselves.
Please never think that because I am writing this, I have this all figured out. I do this right some of the time, and I do it wrong other times. I am learning to be a parent to myself. It’s a fledgling, real, messy journey. But when I get it right, it feels so good.
The sun, cloud, and rainbow metaphors that make up the story in my children’s book The Girl and the Sun were molded piece by piece from my own pain and subsequent drive to overcome it. I use these metaphors every day to parent myself and my children. They are not my own ideas. They come from many teachers along the way: Anita Johnston, Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie, Jeff Foster, Tara Brach, Marianne Williamson, and many counselors and colleagues who guided me along my journey. Through The Girl and The Sun I can now share them with the world. Please visit www.ashleyandthesun.com/free-handouts-parents-and-teachers for free handouts and www.ashleyandthesun.com for a thorough explanation of the sun, cloud and rainbow metaphors.